caroline@chapplecoaching.com

Filtering for wrongness

I took umbrage today. I’d sent a link to a friend to an article I thought they’d find interesting. The friend duly thanked me, saying she’d already read it. (So I’d matched it right. Gratifying.) And in return she sent me a link to another article in a similar vein.

Only the link she’d sent had nothing to do with me. It was old news. It referred to plans and dreams I’d long since discarded (admittedly in despair). How insulting, I thought secretly. It just shows how little she actually listens to me. And yes, I was – in my own dimly-lit little drama in my head – comparing her less fabulous behaviour with my own perfect one (Oh well done me. So clever. So sensitive. What a *real* listener).

Of course once I get that smug it can only mean one thing. I’m being an idiot. I’m on a misguided path.

And then I got it. Of course. I was filtering for wrongness!

You see, for whatever flawed reason I’m determined to believe this particular friend doesn’t listen to me. That means I’m always on the lookout for evidence to back up that belief. If I’d been filtering for ‘rightness’ I’d have seen she’d bothered to thank me for something she already knew (that’ll be more gracious than me, then). And then gone out of her way to send me back something original.

But that’s what we do, isn’t it? We make up our mind about something and then keep an eye out for anything which backs up our belief. That way we don’t have to go to the inconvenience of having more than one opinion about something. And more importantly we don’t miss out on the feeling of being hard done by.

So what was it that woke me up in time?

I’ve said before I have a pretty honed detector for my own nonsense. That doesn’t mean I don’t try it on, or indulge it (plenty, especially if it’s about shoes or chocolate). It just means I tend not to be able to hold onto ridiculous notions about other people for too long. I feel something in my body that goes ‘uh-oh’ and nowadays I’ll step back and look at it.

As soon as I realised what I was doing – filtering for wrongness - it got me thinking.

It’s not news to me that I do this within myself a lot – looking for what’s wrong about whatever it is I’m doing/thinking/expressing. When someone first pointed it out to me it sounded very profound and very personal. Now I think (success gurus may step away at this point...) it’s something most of us do. Or at least most of us do at times.

So what I wanted to know was why I don’t get that same ‘uh-oh’ reaction in my body when I filter for wrongness within myself?

Of course the first answer is we have double standards. Many of us wouldn’t dream of being as consciously unkind about other people as we can be to ourselves.

And the simple truth is the ‘uh-oh’ isn’t there because I haven’t put it there. Or, oh lordy, that I simply don’t listen to it when I’m focusing on the bad stuff about myself.

So how to change it? I know as an 'NLP person' I’d be encouraged to implant some kind of trigger within me to amp up the ‘uh-oh’ response. But I prefer a more conscious route.

So instead I’m going to carry around the ‘filtering for wrongness’ phrase in my head because it appeals. And whenever I notice I’m beating myself up about something I’ll switch lanes. It that’s the wrongness of the situation, what’s the rightness? (Well not the grammar, obviously.)

The point is I suppose that when it comes to listening we always have a choice. And from now on when it comes to myself I’m going to practise the habit of filtering for rightness first (the embargo for shoes and chocolate stands) and see what difference it makes. I’ll let you know how I get on.

 

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To find out how Creative Change Coaching can transform your life, call London coach Caroline Chapple on 07813 943 787 or email caroline@chapplecoaching.com